sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
