Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
