A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We had to coat check the pizza.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
