If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
