Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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