so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
