last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
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