And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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