i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
