why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
