you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
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I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
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Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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