cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
