So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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