Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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