Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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