My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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