Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
