The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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