I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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