i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
