i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
What drink are we having for lunch?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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