you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
