Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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