im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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