update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
