I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My penis needs a shock collar
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We're too hungover to prance.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
