You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
