did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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