I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
