Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize