You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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