It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
