How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
