this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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