sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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