It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I think a kid would responsible me up
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
