I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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