you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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