Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Canadian or clown?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.