My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
