already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
