I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
