the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
