Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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