he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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