i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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