remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She bit a glass in half.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
