i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You are a genius and a whore.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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