So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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