dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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