Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
