You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
