If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was