her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
